Struggling

I am struggling, with so many things. I guess that's why I haven't posted much. Too many topics that I could cover so at the risk of sounding like a whiner I am going to get it OUT and off of my chest. So here is one of the first things that I am struggling with (there are more to follow) (BTW, any input would be greatly appreciated).

My sister is having an affair. Yes, you read that right. It still blows my mind to say it, read it, think it. I have known this fact for a little over a month. I have suspected it for 6 months. First, it doesn't surprise me, knowing my sister. How she has handled it is the mind blower.

My sister and I are 12 months and 17 days apart (she is older). Growing up we were close mostly because we were forced to be together. We shared a room until I was 12 years old, we played together, had a lot of the same friends, shared clothes and secrets. We were partners in crime, although not always willingly. She was bossy, mean and a bully. Blackmail should have been her middle name. I had no choice but to succumb to her every wish and demand because, quite frankly, I was TERRIFIED of her. But, still she was my sister....

As life changed and we got older, I married and moved nearly 500 miles away. We stayed in touch but we weren't terrribly close. I have friends that I am closer to. She married a great guy a few years after me. They dated for 6 years and have been married for 18. She is not one to stay in touch and for the most part, I am the one that has always called her, e-mailed, etc. She is hard to get hold of and rarely would have time to talk on the phone (she does have 4 kids and a full time job), if you e-mailed her, a response 3-4 months later is not surprising.

My sister has lead the "perfect life" according to my parents. Mainly because out of 3 of their children, she is the only one that remains Catholic. She has raised her children Catholic and all 4 of my nieces and nephews attend Catholic schools. The reward for being the good daughter - they financially help my sister and bil. They pay for the kids school tuition, give to their college funds, take them on vacations, etc. My kids - NOTHING. When I was a struggling single parent earning just above poverty level and making just a little bit too much to receive state aide (not that I would have used it), my parents didn't help one bit. I had made my bed and therefore, I was going to lie in it, starving or not, shoes for my kids or not. Thank God as time went by things got better. A better job, Christmas bonus's, etc.

In october I get an e-mail from my sister. She confided in me that she wasn't happy in her marriage and wanted out. Basically she said her husband is a great father but a lousy husband and she didn't love him anymore. She felt that their marriage was no example to her kids and in her opinion, if he thought about it, he probably didn't love her either. I have got to say that although I don't LIVE with my BIL, he is a GREAT guy. You could never NOT like him. Yes, he is easy going. VERY easy going, but a great guy. Her - she is a bitch to him. Plain and simple. He can't breathe right in her eyes and for the most part, it has always been that way. She has always treated him like shit, talks to him like he's a piece of shit and all this is done in front of their kids. There have been family gatherings when she has completely gone off on him and called him every name you could think of in front of everyone. Not pretty. Being the easy going guy that he is - he puts up with it. (Note that I have already stated that she was mean and a bully when we were kids, that has not changed).

Around Christmas my Mom is getting e-mails from my nieces (17 and 14) about how their Mom is never home, when she comes home it is around 3 or 4 AM, she is drunk, puking and then can't get up in the morning to get the younger 2 boys ready for school. They told my Mom that my sister wanted a divorce for Christmas. My Mom had NO IDEA that any of this is going on (she lives in another state as well). I call my bil, because my first thought (after I read the e-mails from my nieces) is that "she is having an affair". I heard my sister's side of the story and I wanted to hear what was really going on after the e-mails from my nieces. My bil tells me that she has profiles on 2 dating websites, she is not coming home from work most nights and he followed her to a bar and caught her kissing a guy. She has spent money they don't have, maxed out the credit cards and he found ones that he didn't even know they had. She has a whole new wardrobe, lost weight and gets her hair done all the time. After talking to bil and realizing all the things these kids are seeing and what the older 2 girls know, I call my sister (not letting her know that I talked to bil and know the REAL story) and offer her money to move. I know she is miserable, blah, blah, blah. My real motive is to get her away from the kids, they are hearing and seeing waaayyy too much, and in all reality they see her as the "bad guy". Their Dad is home trying to keep it together, working, & taking care of the kids because after all, my sister is never home these days. She is out partying.

My sister informs me that she isn't going anywhere. Her effing husband can move because she isn't moving into an apartment with 4 kids. Apparently she doesn't realize that none of them want to go anywhere with her. That was the last time I talked to her. In early December. She has had no contact with me or my parents or brother. She didn't show up for Christmas, she didn't call, she didn't even have the balls to say she wasn't coming.

Fast forward to now. My niece e-mails my Mom that her mom got a new phone and she was fooling around with it the other day and a text message comes through and it is from a guy named "Steve". "Steve" is telling her how much he loves her and can't wait to be with her, etc. My niece then reads all the text messages from my sister to "Steve" and vice versa. Oh, they are so in love and can barely live without eachother. My niece is reading this. My niece also knows "Steve". Apparently he is the son of my sisters boss and her boss supports this. "Steve" is also married with 2 children.

In the meantime, my bil continues to try to keep it together for the kids. My sister is flaunting this affair in his face and the kids. She has a "list of demands" for the divorce but she isn't going anywhere, he can leave. Like he is going to leave the kids with her!!! I am terrified and so, so sad for my nieces and nephews and bil that she is doing this to them.

SO I am struggling with this. The inability to know what to do and how to help...